I had originally planned a very different post for this evening, but then my feed reader pulled in an extraordinary post from a blog authored by a young woman named Alissa.  Her post deals with the very real and weighty issues surrounding the choice of motherhood.  I’ve decided to change my plan and share her post (and my post on her site – below) with you.

Alissa:

Rarely has a post touched me the way your Working, Running and Choosing to be Childless. Responsible or Selfish? has.  I feel compelled to respond.

First. Let me explain who I am.  I am a woman who is closing in on 50.  I have and continue to have a fulfilling career as a marketing consultant - on my own now after many years of working in senior management positions in large corporate environments.  I make a very good income and support our household.  I have been a runner for nearly 15 years. In June I co-founded and now moderate a website called Traxee.com which is a lifestyle-focused site for women runners.  I have been married for 24 years to the same man.  I have no children, out of choice.

I always knew that I did not want to have children of my own, and I married a man who felt the same way. It’s not that we don’t enjoy children; it’s just that we always knew that parenthood would not fit our lifestyle – that we wanted other things from our lives, individually and together.  I very much enjoy my nieces and nephews, but I am also glad when their visits are over and I can return to my adult-focused life.

I have many, many women friends – both older and younger than myself  - who have also made the decision not to have children for a variety of reasons.  The reasons are as varied as the women/couples themselves.

The concept that it is “selfish” for a woman not to have children stems from a very old culturally ingrained belief that a woman’s body is owned, not by herself, but by society; her fertility, a guarantee of the continuation of her “clan” or class.  History is rife with stories of women being maligned, mistreated and even put to death for being barren, infertile, or worse, incapable of producing sons.  Western society has long perpetrated the myth that women are essentially “unfulfilled” as women unless they have produced children.  Freudian psychology reinterpreted this belief and ingrained it in our scientific mythology many decades ago.  It is for this reason that women who choose not to have children are sometimes viewed as social pariahs.  We don’t fit the mold; we make some people very uncomfortable.

You don’t mention how old you are, but from your picture, I suspect you are in your late 20s or early 30s – probably too young to remember the extraordinary changes that took place in the late 60s and 70s in terms of women’s position in society.  These changes included for example, equal consideration for admission to educational institutions, equal pay for the same work, equal legal treatment in marriage and finance, and importantly for us women runners – the passing and implementation of Title IX which mandated that girls’ sports be supported equally in public schools.  These changes opened and expanded women’s worlds and most importantly, gave us the joys and difficulties of choice.  Without these changes we would have few women doctors and lawyers, business owners, engineers, or politicians.

The decision to have children is one of those choices, but it is a very personal one.  Also, it is a decision that should not be entered into lightly or without complete commitment.  My husband is a family therapist and I can’t tell you the levels of heartache that can be created when two people reproduce for the wrong reasons.  In these situations, it is usually the children that become the casualties.  Our prisons, mental institutions and streets are full of these children, rich and poor, white and of color, born to people who were children themselves, not ready, either emotionally or physically or both.

In terms of “having it all,” it may surprise you, but I truly believe that this is yet another cultural myth created by the media to attempt to force women into a new, insidious box, this one called “superwoman.”  It is a cleverly crafted box that typically envelops women in a never-ending cycle of guilt and exhaustion.  My belief, bottom line is this: if you decide to have children, the children ALWAYS come first.  That is simply the nature of the decision.  That is the real nature of “family values.”   When you understand this, the “balancing” becomes easy, because there is no “balance.” 

I encourage you to tune out society’s “noise” and look into your own heart with your partner.  IS this the time?  Are you both ready to make the commitment? Are you ready to give up your run on a beautiful Sunday fall morning because your partner has to work and can’t watch the baby? Are you willing to shrug and walk away from a job you thought you loved after being passed up as a “mommy-tracker?”  If you answer “no,” or “not yet,” then you’re not ready.

As for outside criticism?  Your compass must come from within. You must learn to tune out the vapid murmur of popular culture, including men who will never face this type of decision, (but always seem to have an opinion on it), and female politicians who benefited in their own lives from choice, but would deny their sisters the right to make those same choices for themselves. These last are the most dangerous of all.

Alissa, no woman really denies herself children because she doesn’t want to give up something she loves. Children benefit from happy, healthy, fit mothers.  Period.  It’s just that when you have children, your life changes in inexorable (and wonderful) ways and the decisions are not as easy.

I encourage you to reach out to other women who are facing decisions similar to your own, either on the Internet or elsewhere.  You are not alone.

   

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Tags: motherhood, choice, title IV, equality, having it all, mommy track, children, reproduction, pregnancy, family, family values

It is so great to have someone WITH children agreeing on this topic. Thanks Betty :) It's very frustrating to me that so many people think the decision to not have kids is selfish. PS. Requiring your husbands signature?!!! That makes me so mad! Posted by: traxchik on Sep 12, 2008 at 03:44 PM

I am sooo excited that you signed up in our community...and thanks for the link! I just want you to know that I (and the rest of us here) support your process...it's one that is so universal to women everywhere. Can't wait to hear what you're up to in the coming months! Posted by: bmoore on Sep 08, 2008 at 07:43 PM

Beth, Thank you so much for your insightful comment. There are so many things you have pointed out that I think I knew, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on until I read your comment. The paragraph where you pointed out that “The concept that it is “selfish” for a woman not to have children stems from a very old culturally ingrained belief that a woman’s body is owned, not by herself, but by society” was particularly eye opening. I knew I disagreed with the idea that it was selfish, but I couldn't figure out why until I read your explanation. Now I get it. I think I agree with just about everything you said but I could never have pinned it down so clearly as you have. As I hinted in my post, I’ve never felt the “superwoman” role seemed very enticing. Your description of it being “never-ending cycle of guilt and exhaustion” is exactly how I have pictured it. Thus the reason for this post. I’m not sure if I want to sign up for that lifestyle! And you guessed my age pretty close. I’ll be turning 27 in less than 2 months. Thanks for the advice. I know you are right, the decision has to come from within and once we make that decision, there will be no more “balancing”, the children will have to come first. I know right now is not my time, and my husband agrees. We shall see what the future holds. I still have time on my side right now. And I loved the traxee website. I just signed up for a profile and added a link to my blog! Posted by: alissan on Sep 08, 2008 at 01:15 PM

Goosebumps. BMoore, sometimes you just kill me with your passion and insight. It is so refreshing to hear even-keeled 'arguments.' Through my posts, it is obvious that I made the decision to have children, two to be exact. It happened just when I had decided I did not want to bring children into this world...and wouldn't you know...it happened with the wrong guy and my children are a casualty of that. Thank god, or whoever, for their strength and personal prowess and for their equally empowered parents...they will do well in this life. NOW, where I did, and still do, face persecution from other child-bearing women is in my choice to make sure I never have anymore. I was 23 on the operating table preparing to have my tubes tied and my female doctor (who until this point had been so esteemed by me) said this "We will need your husband to sign a waiver saying you can go through with this procedure." I feel this boiling inside me right now, and I certainly did not hold back then...I said "Look doctor, this is MY body, I make the decisions for MY body...you will do this without his signature!" Holy crap. My husband, at the time, was in the lobby with our two babies and I could have easily pulled him into sign a paper...BUT ARE YOU F___Ing kidding? I must have looked tough, because she let me out of it, a legal document in the state of Arizona saying that a man had to agree to such a procedure for his wife. I haven't looked back, not once. As my children age, I am finding more and more time to dedicate to my adult needs, something that was very difficult to live without as a young 20-something...in fact, I think I struggled insanely with my identity. I am telling you all of this, because what BMoore says is wise "Ask for outside criticism, but your compass must come from within." I can not stress the importance of tuning out popular culture when making a decision such as children, hell, any decision for that matter. Posted by: Betty on Sep 08, 2008 at 09:46 AM