About fifteen days ago I stood at the top of my street, shivering in the cold dawn. I felt awkward and afraid and a single thought kept spinning around and around in my head …“What if I can’t?” 

This is the moment nearly every runner faces at some point in her career. I call it “the first day back.” It’s that point at which you’ve followed all your doctor’s orders, done your exercises, developed an intimate relationship with a bag of frozen peas and…completely stopped running for what seems like an interminable amount of time. You’ve paid your dues, taken time off- but now THE DAY has arrived.

Invariably, your butt is flabbier, your thighs and middle larger, a muffin top has appeared above the waistband of your tights and you feel a strange self-consciousness that normally never dogs you when you run. At least, this is the way it always feels to me.

I say “always” because this is definitely NOT the first time I’ve been here. Since becoming a “masters runner” I’ve had a couple of extended layoffs and every time I’m certain, absolutely certain that I will never heal and be able to run again. It’s my own personal nightmare really – because I simply am not myself when I’m not running. The thought truly frightens me (to say nothing of what it does to my husband!)

I push the button on my Garmin and vow not to look at my time…I will simply run and feel my way through the speed on a small distance – just one mile.

Oh God! I can’t breathe! I can feel my butt jiggling. My calves feel weak after just a few minutes and I can’t seem to relax my neck and shoulders. Keep your head up, keep your arms moving, don’t slouch…oh, and by the way…how is that previously torn ankle tendon feeling? It’s torture, pure simple, utter torture. Hey, I’m big enough to admit it. But this is the way it is. This process of starting over is the inevitable consequence of injury. It’s so tortuous that you’d think it would prevent us from overtraining, from pushing too hard, from skipping the strength training. But no. Most of us find ourselves back on “day one” at some point in “I’ll never regain my training” land again.

Now, eight runs or so later, things are starting to get a little easier. I’ve been very gradually increasing my mileage and did three and a half miles this morning. Each time I run I can feel the improvement. The jiggle is a little less pronounced, my calves don’t scream AND I even made it up The Beast this morning- albeit very slowly, but I made it nonetheless. Yeah, baby…I CAN do it. I’m coming back.

To cap off my triumph, I’ve decided to pick a goal race – the 5K at the LA Marathon, which I will run for speed – hopefully a PB at the short distance. It will just be a confirmation of what I already know. I’m a runner for life and sometimes that means meeting the beginning over and over again.

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How To Start Running Without Feeling Like a Failure

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Tags: injury, recovery, retraining, goal setting, starting over

Ha, ha, yeah- I think the husband thing where they just get sick of hearing us whine has a lot to do with motivation. I agree with you. If you are dedicated to running and you do this sport for years, ultimately you will face some kind of injury. To me, it's always good to be aware of what you are going to be facing - both physically and mentally in order to get through it. Ha ha I SO get what you are saying about seeing other runners and getting so mad about having to sit on the sidelines. Runner's jealousy is a good motivator too! Posted by: bmoore on Jan 06, 2012 at 09:25 AM

I think most of us have been there, and if not, will be at some point in our running careers. When I had a hip injury and couldn't run for a couple of weeks, I would tear up when I saw people running in town because I so badly wanted to be out there. I never dreamed I would get to that point! My husband also suffered, and finally told me to suck it up and quit whining - which is just what I needed. Glad you are back! Posted by: jstath on Jan 05, 2012 at 06:01 PM

That should be "yessir" not "teaser" You gotta love my iPhone typing. Posted by: bmoore on Jan 05, 2012 at 10:14 AM

Teaser! I am back... And so incredibly grateful. To celebrate the occasion I bought myself a new pair of running shoes, which I needed anyway last Sept when I tore my ankle to shreds. Nothing like a new pair of kicks to jump- start the motivation. Posted by: bmoore on Jan 05, 2012 at 10:11 AM

Congratulations! You're back! Posted by: jmfischer on Jan 04, 2012 at 11:56 PM